Yeah, I don't take part in the resolutions-bit. Well, only in a very sarcastic way, my resolution for 2008 is buying bin bags. ^^ Nevertheless, on the second day of this year I'm writing a journal already, which -might- be a sign of me posting more than 3 this year. Not that this is a goal, the end of the year was a time of enlightenment that I wish to document now lol.

I'll start with the weirdest thing first, as to not disappoint. ^^ With my jury and all the work it demanded (li'l biatch) I've had a long break from social contact. After the jury I made up for that naturally. That's when it hit me, I've had suspicions before that but then I -realised- it. My celibacy ( 1 year, 3 months and counting ) has honed my instincts/skills somehow. I can now very clearly see when a woman has an interest in me, where as in the past I could only see this when other people were involved but never when it came to me.(low self-esteem, yeah, yeah, bla, bla) I can't explain the cause exactely, I suspect that now when I'm very satisfied with being single and I don't really care that much if a woman likes me that way or not, well, that that enables me to see it more clearly. No, more like, inhibits me from clouding my judgement with "No way dude, you just be imagining that shit." Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ah shit no, now she's gonna get all arrogant and stuff." Basically, you wrong! You know what happens now when a woman gives me a look that makes your knees tremble? Well, the first time it scared the shit out of me But mainly and back to my point: I get shy... I get SHY! Seriously, I feel myself starting to blush and look away. Really, could someone please explain this to me? Maybe it's because that in the cases of actually standing before the woman, it would have been a big no-no situation to do something. (principles can be a bitch right? lol) Maybe because I wasn't in the zone, I mean, having a girlfriend at this moment would complicate things a lot, I don't have enough time for anything at the moment. But on the other side, I'll (hopefully :-s ) finish my studies when I'm 28, maybe 29 if I want a second master. I don't want to wait untill then to start dating again. Then again, I don't want to start dating when I'm not ready or don't feel like it. (At the moment I'm pleased to say that it's only the second one ^^ I -think- I've finally healed up) Also, I'm not going to deny that when this eye-contact business, sms-sending, hint-talking/flirting is going down I don't feel anything. Boy, let me tell you, when you've been single for as long as I have, you -do- feel stuff, maybe magnified but heck. However, it's not like I'm in love with anyone at the moment or that I've experienced that feeling lately. Anywho, luckely I've dodged the bullet everytime now but where as in the past (actually, I don't think that changed) when I liked someone my hints were waaaaaay to subtle, it's kinda hard to tell someone you have no interest whatsoever in them when you BLUSH AND SHILY LOOK AWAY! (God, how will I ever get over that lol ) Which ofcourse will lead to a conversation about feelings and rejection and persuasion and doubts and well...it almost can't not end in drama. (whohooow double negativos, olé!) Did I mention that I ABHORE talks about -my- emotions? Well, I did now. Also, I'm kinda fed up with drama as well. ^^ (I mainly live in a gay world, we've got the finest dramakings and -queens ) Weither it is because I'm in such a happy place at the moment (more on that later) cuz Nadine told me that one is more attractive to women when happy and radiating this and if there's anything that history has tought me it's that Nadine is always right. (Bastard. ), or maybe it's the new haircut, or maybe it's just that I've stopped being a complete moron and now see things that I didn't used to see but I'm getting a lot of attention lately. I'm not gonna lie, I do like it. ^^ But also, I don't know why, but I find it to be quite funny. I don't think it's that the majority have a huge "do not touch" sign hanging from their necks thus adding to the twisted irony that befalls my lovelife. Maybe more like funny that they have an interest in me, funny that I notice these things now or maybe even funny that now I see this and there interested when I have no need for a girlfriend at the moment. (again, twisted irony) Sure sometimes I do miss having one of those, when going out with nothing but couples, on a cold winter's night, when eating my dinner alone. But I must admit that lately, I don't even feel that anymore, it just only scares me to be alone for the rest of my life when I think about it but I'm not sure if that fear is stronger than the one I felt when that first noticed look burned through my eyes. God, it took all I had just to not run away and keep dancing there, which suddenly appeared waaaay to close to the woman. :roflmao: Having said all this, I think that at this moment there's only one woman that could convince me to give up my bachelor status so ofcourse I do my best to avoid her lol. No, just kidding, I don't see her much anyway but she's the only one in my life now that I know I have to stop my feelings for, seeing as they have a potential to turn to love. Why do I stop them? Maybe because I'm still insecure and think she won't have anything to do with me in that departement. But I think that it's just mainly that I don't feel like going through all that "she loves me, she loves me not" stuff, nor that "I don't see you enough"bit, or that "I can't concentrate on my work because I miss her" or, god forbid, the "jealousy"bit. I know, it's been ages (5 relationships ago ) since I had a case of genuine jealousy. Ok, then I was right but before that I was one sick puppy, let me tell you! And I guess I'm still somewhat afraid to turn into -that- again, especially with a woman who isn't only quite stunning and attractive and coveted by a horde of lesbians but also is intelligent, charming, funny and good-hearted. This would be a good place to put a " *sigh* " right?

Anywho, enough girltalk! (haven't really figured out which sense applies to lesbians yet lol) Happiness now! It's weird, well, not the fact that I'm happy, -that- makes perfect sense. But how it has changed me is, I couldn't have forseen that. I made a hard choice, a brave decision and persued what I desired instead of staying in the realm of financial security. And I'm bearing the fruits of it. I feel really in my element, what my self-esteem thought to be impossible and what my heart thought to be my true calling is now my life: art. You, ofcourse don't get to see that seeing as I'm either to busy or lazy to upload something lately, it would also mean either choosing amongst oodles of things or either uploading oodles of work. >.O After so many years doubting what I should do with my life, where art was always an option that passed by quite quickly, stamped with "I'm not good enough. I won't make any money." and also after so many years of putting myself down and worst critic. Now I'm amazed at the progress I've made over these past months, as was I after just a month and I've got people trained to be critics giving me good revues on weekly bases. Ofcourse they also teach me a friggin lot, as do my classmates and they also tell me when something can be better and where I can/have to improve and how. ^^ Where as family and friends say "Wauw that's like really good." you value the opinion of people "in the circle" more, they won't spare you're feelings and will be honest, also they know what they're talking about more. Not that I don't respect and value my family and friends' opinion, but in that area it's subservient. Now, all this with the exception of my jury, I can't say it was bad, but the same goes for good. Appearantely one always has this with a jury. *shrugs* Man, I wish I got some grades or an evaluation. Anywho, now I'm "studying" for my 3 theory exams I have next week. Yes, a lot of work still needs to be done seeing as I'm used to 14 exams and I'm like "I still got time. It's only 3 exams. Oew, party? Where?" But I've still haven't lost hope (talk to me afterwards ), this might be an area where I'm too arrogant at the moment. One of the revues I got on my jury is that my work is very intelligent and that I'm a smart person which probably didn't do this problem any good. :-P Also that I'm insecure and shouldn't be, which was kinda spot-on. Soooooo yeah, I was talking about happiness, (some things never change :-P ) I noticed that things like what I mentioned before, going out with couples, eating alone at the dinner table (which doesn't seem that titanic anymore ) or just being alone don't bother me one bit anymore. I most certainly don't feel sad about things like that anymore, same thing goes for sad songs or songs with an emotional meaning to me. But even more astounding, I used to be a ponderer, there's no denying that. I pondered and pined, chewed and spit things out, God the amount of thought that I could give to one subject or event, it amazes me now. It really troubled me when I read an article about people that pine (Ok, I just spent 15 minutes thinking about the Dutch word because it describes it better and then another 15 minutes googling for it, result: I -think- it's "piekeren" I was looking for. 'Nuff said about how that's not in my vocabulary anymore :-P) about stuff, that it's inheret and destructive and like a psychological disorder (what isn't nowadays? ) and well, although I'm highly sceptical when it comes to self-diagnosis, the fact that I spent the rest of the day pining about that kinda made me worried about that. Anyway, it was all about that it was always the same things or places and habits that trigger these pining-sessions and one should try and break with them. Anywho, fideldidee, that actually has just vanished. o.O In the beginning I just thought that I didn't have the time to pine (héhé but then I had a talk with someone which gave me something to pine about and however I felt a touch of sadness I didn't ponder about it, I didn't lie in bed unable to sleep because of it. That kinda made me realise that I never had time to pine, I -made- time for it. Which seems silly now, ok, given I love to think about thing, philosophise and stuff but what's the point on chewing on every little thing. Life's full of loss and gains, why keep yourself busy thinking about what you've lost and maybe miss out on what you've gained or could gain. I even pined about that I used to regret nothing and was grateful that everything made me who I was at that time and I'd lost that. Ironically, pondering about that made me lose it. I've regained not regretting things in my past or wanting them back, but being grateful they made me in the person I am today and having pride in who that person is. ^^ (I actually had to repeadetely stop myself from thinking "Our li'l Catsy is growing up", then I just stopped stopping myself ) I just simply love looking back and seeing how much I've grown. The only thing that can (shortly) delay my sleep is thinking about what I still got to do (mostly the next day) which is a minimum. I sleep much better now than I used to and I dream a lot more, and remember them as well, too bad they're quite troubling. (Not in a my god, you crazy, you should be in an institution! But more like: Why's you dreaming of that girl?) I blame raging hormones or something. Anyway, take that shrinks, none of you shall pick at my brain before my untimely demise.

Oew, I just turned 24 and my birthday started with "Everybody's gonna love today" from Mika! ^^ That kinda makes forget I just turned into a fossil. You know, it always kinda creeps up on me, suddenly it's there: my birthday, boom! I think it's because of the fact that it right behind the holidays and the times I spent January 1st consciously are deminishing in number. I don't know, I'm not really a celebrating person. For instance I HATE christmas ^^ , I feel uncomfortable when it's the countdown to the new year and I don't count down to my birthday. Tomorrow I shall study my philosophy and possible do some grosery shopping, nothing else planned. That's just me. Although I think I will have a happy birthday this year. ^^ Hey dude, it's the day I was born. It doesn't mean anything to anyone else but it's mah day! (yes, I have been watching too much south park and now my speech is dubbed by Cartman) Well, except other people who were born on this day. (I actually encountered 2 of those already, weird ) Anyway, I do remember saying that 23 was a stupid number (except for Jordan, Jordan's a god), a dumb assed age and this year would be as dumb assed and I couldn't wait untill it was over. Ironically, if you would have told me what some of it had in store (actually what I prophecised in my head then) I would've thought I was right saying that, but I wasn't. Tradtionally this is the moment I say goodbye to the past year and start living in the new one, so bye bye 2007.

Oh right, I heared from an ex-collegue that things aren't so hot at work. And that if studying doesn't work out, there will be a job waiting for me at the shipping line I used to erm... well, most countries don't know what an expeditor is hmmm... alright, logistics meets customer service, so basically they arrange transport and all formalities from warehouse to main transport (boat, plane, train, ...) and other stuff. So I used to be one and work for a expedition company, my job was being an expeditor for a certain shipping line, which has let it be known that there's still a spot for me there if I need it. ^^ Bitchin'.

Ow, another great consequense of studying graphic desing is that my classmates are at least as crazy as I am, which results in a significant multiplication of goofballness and creativity. So much that I'm starting to manifest that behaviour around other people. And, you won't believe this bit, I actually act nutty along with my mom. I finally figured out where I got it from! God, my relationship with my mom is great now. ^^ *happy*

Anywho, there's prolly tons of stuf I still wanted to mention here but I'm really bored with this now. In a nutshell: I'm doing good. ^^ (don't you just hate it when I summarise my whole, lenghty journal in one sentence at the end? )